OldSouth finished the book last night as the snow descended. The first part of the book is light-hearted, self-deprecating, actually quite funny.
The second and third sections are quite dark. It requires extraordinary candor to autobiographically recount such miserable behaviour toward not only children, but husband, students, colleagues, childrens' teachers, and extended family and friends.
Amy Chua was under no obligation to write the book or publish it, so real credit goes to her for displaying that sort of moxie. OS hopes his readers buy it and read it--that many thousands of parents and teachers buy it and read it. This country needs to have a serious public discussion about parenting, and this book is a great place to begin.
The older child, Sophia, bore up relatively well under the onslaught. It is a miracle that Lulu, the younger, did not begin self-injuring behaviours, or develop eating disorders, or attempt suicide. She fought back against the craziness, and held to her own sense of self, which probably saved her. OS has seen cases where that did not happen, with tragic outcomes, too painful to recount.
OS's initial take, before reading the book, was to give Amy Chua 2 3/4 cheers. He's revising that down to about 1.5 cheers. There are so many parents unwilling to devote time, thought, and hard work to their children, and we are paying the price every day for that neglect. Amy Chua is not one of those parents, not by a long shot.
But...
Sans love, there is no virtuous circle. Achievement is not love. Obsessive hard work is not love. A perfect performance of Mendelssohn or Prokofiev is not love. Felix and Sergei did not compose pieces of music so that they could become the steel-cage ultimate fighting rings for the egos of parents, teachers and children. OS even contends that that manic sort of preparation to perform a short list of repertoire does not actually train a student to be a musician--it creates a highly programmed kid who can impressively perform a particular piece. Put a piece by Schumann or Shostakovich in front of such a kid, and ask them to make sense of the score themselves. They are lost in the woods, even after performing Mendelssohn and Prokofiev brilliantly. OS has lost count of the times he's seen this play out.
There seems to be no greater framework, no greater stage upon which this story is played. The chief aim of life is to achieve, to win, to be on the early acceptance list to Harvard--Brown will not do, and Duke is synonymous with humiliation. All that is still in place in TigerMotherWorld.
OS kept asking himself as he read: So, the kids and the mom and even the dogs win all the prizes, all the time. Then what? What's the next demand? How much is enough? And OS says this as a hard-charging father of two very high-achieving kids, of whom he is outrageously proud.
Are they loved because they are accomplished? Or do they succeed because they are loved, and respond to that higher call by working their tails off? Yes, in order to achieve substantial things, hard work is required, and a child has to be guided and confronted along the way. There's a lot of value in that process, up to and including that competition or exam, which are an integral part of the process. It's good to win, and that should be the goal. A's are better than B's, and should be the goal.
Do we define success, though, only by the sheepskins on the wall, and the trophies and the resumes, the power we wield, the faculties we sit on, the number of publications on the vita, or by how our lives and our work contribute to the lives around us? It's not either/or, it's both. It really is both.
Are we supposed to live vicariously through our children's accomplishments? What if, along the way, they fail at something, like not winning the grand prize at the competition? What if they go to Michigan State instead of Yale? Are they still loved, do Mom and Dad still exist?
OS was hoping to hear more about all this from Amy Chua, and strangely, she seems silent, as if the questions just don't occur. She now treats her children and husband more humanely, which is good.
At least until next time the Tiger gets the urge to roar.
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
Showing posts with label Amy Chua. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amy Chua. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Amy Chua's 'Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother'--Just Arrived At OldSouth's House
...and he began reading as soon as he cleaned up the dinner dishes.
OS thinks the opening salvo of publicity could have been handled better. That WSJ article comes off very harsh-sounding, and the jeers were heard 'round the world.
Actually, the book is very very funny and self-deprecating. OS is about halfway through the tale, and as a fellow hard-charging parent, has had several belly-laughs along the way. He's in love with younger child Lulu, who appears to be dismantling Prof. Chua's entire universe, brick by brick.
Moh', lathuh, when the book is finished.
It is quite a read, not at all what OS expected.
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
OS thinks the opening salvo of publicity could have been handled better. That WSJ article comes off very harsh-sounding, and the jeers were heard 'round the world.
Actually, the book is very very funny and self-deprecating. OS is about halfway through the tale, and as a fellow hard-charging parent, has had several belly-laughs along the way. He's in love with younger child Lulu, who appears to be dismantling Prof. Chua's entire universe, brick by brick.
Moh', lathuh, when the book is finished.
It is quite a read, not at all what OS expected.
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Katherine Birbalsingh Weighs In On Amy Chua's 'Tiger Mother'
OS knew she would join in, sooner or later.
She has much to say that most white, comfortable, middle-class soccer-mom-football-dad parents don't wish to hear. The only path to true success in life (not just an SUV and a MacMansion) is hard work, and those habits are learned at home, taught by parents.
Like Amy Chua, my father never patted me on the back when I would get 95 per cent on a test. He would always ask, “What happened to the other 5 per cent?” As a child, it is true, I was constantly frustrated: what on earth did I have to do to please this man? But what that constant frustration inspired in me was to always try my best, to always reach for the very top. And as Amy Chua constantly emphasises, just because a parent is a bit demanding, doesn’t mean there isn’t any love. My parents were not as demanding as Amy Chua, and as such, my sister and I were allowed to watch television. When “Different Strokes” came on, (with Arnold and Willis as black boys adopted by a rich white man) my sister and I would call for my father with delight, and he would always come and watch it with us. That is, until he decided that we were watching too much television, and as if he and Amy Chua had connived together, gave our only television away.
Such parenting techniques are relatively rare in white liberal circles. And these days, with our multicultural communities, they are becoming more and more rare in non-white circles as well. But while ‘tough love” may be the answer to giving our black boys a chance at life, so often the liberal helping hand undermines the parents who are trying to give these boys exactly this.
My Guyanese father may seem excessive to some but he sent his daughters to very ordinary state schools and had to make up for their shortcomings. And Amy Chua may be a little extreme in her parenting style, so much so that she has caused huge controversy. But if I had any advice to give to the thousands of struggling parents I have known over the years, the first thing I’d tell them is to take a page out of Amy Chua’s book and think twice about the liberal madness that surrounds us.
Lissen' up ya'll!! Ms. Birbalsingh's daddy emigrated from Guyana--look it up on the map--and sent his little girl to OXFORD! No, no, no. Not Oxford, Mississippi, that land of SEC basketball, bubbahs and drunken co-eds. The real Oxford--the one in England! THAT Oxford!
The one that's damn near impossible to get into, unless you have a real intellect and a work ethic like Monica Marks, the girl from Eastern Kentucky whose daddy insisted his baby girl was gonna succeed, come hell or high water.
That Oxford.
Thanks, Ms. B, for chiming in. Don't you let up a bit--keep after those 'liberals' who use an ideology to simply mask their laziness.
Here's hoping the conversation continues. The question is central to the survival of our culture.
OS has so much more to say, but he has work to do. University bills to pay, with the biggest grin imaginable on his grizzled Southern face...someday, he'll even get to tell you why.
She has much to say that most white, comfortable, middle-class soccer-mom-football-dad parents don't wish to hear. The only path to true success in life (not just an SUV and a MacMansion) is hard work, and those habits are learned at home, taught by parents.
Like Amy Chua, my father never patted me on the back when I would get 95 per cent on a test. He would always ask, “What happened to the other 5 per cent?” As a child, it is true, I was constantly frustrated: what on earth did I have to do to please this man? But what that constant frustration inspired in me was to always try my best, to always reach for the very top. And as Amy Chua constantly emphasises, just because a parent is a bit demanding, doesn’t mean there isn’t any love. My parents were not as demanding as Amy Chua, and as such, my sister and I were allowed to watch television. When “Different Strokes” came on, (with Arnold and Willis as black boys adopted by a rich white man) my sister and I would call for my father with delight, and he would always come and watch it with us. That is, until he decided that we were watching too much television, and as if he and Amy Chua had connived together, gave our only television away.
Such parenting techniques are relatively rare in white liberal circles. And these days, with our multicultural communities, they are becoming more and more rare in non-white circles as well. But while ‘tough love” may be the answer to giving our black boys a chance at life, so often the liberal helping hand undermines the parents who are trying to give these boys exactly this.
My Guyanese father may seem excessive to some but he sent his daughters to very ordinary state schools and had to make up for their shortcomings. And Amy Chua may be a little extreme in her parenting style, so much so that she has caused huge controversy. But if I had any advice to give to the thousands of struggling parents I have known over the years, the first thing I’d tell them is to take a page out of Amy Chua’s book and think twice about the liberal madness that surrounds us.
Lissen' up ya'll!! Ms. Birbalsingh's daddy emigrated from Guyana--look it up on the map--and sent his little girl to OXFORD! No, no, no. Not Oxford, Mississippi, that land of SEC basketball, bubbahs and drunken co-eds. The real Oxford--the one in England! THAT Oxford!
The one that's damn near impossible to get into, unless you have a real intellect and a work ethic like Monica Marks, the girl from Eastern Kentucky whose daddy insisted his baby girl was gonna succeed, come hell or high water.
That Oxford.
Thanks, Ms. B, for chiming in. Don't you let up a bit--keep after those 'liberals' who use an ideology to simply mask their laziness.
Here's hoping the conversation continues. The question is central to the survival of our culture.
OS has so much more to say, but he has work to do. University bills to pay, with the biggest grin imaginable on his grizzled Southern face...someday, he'll even get to tell you why.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Tiger Mother Conversation Continues With And About Amy Chua
It's getting interesting out there.
New York Times weighs in.
In the week since The Wall Street Journal published an excerpt of the new book by Amy Chua, a Yale law professor, under the headline “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” Ms. Chua has received death threats, she says, and “hundreds, hundreds” of e-mails. The excerpt generated more than 5,000 comments on the newspaper’s Web site, and countless blog entries referring in shorthand to “that Tiger Mother.” Some argued that the parents of all those Asians among Harvard’s chosen few must be doing something right; many called Ms. Chua a “monster” or “nuts” — and a very savvy provocateur.
From academe, Mama PhD wrings her hands a bit, because as a therapist, she gets to deal with the damaged adult children of over-the-top parents. And, she has points to make as well.
At least, and at last, Dr. Chua's book is getting a real debate going about an issue no one wants to talk about--the hard grind that successful parenting truly is, whether one is a Tiger Mom or not.
In fairness, (and since OS's copy has not yet arrived), it is good to note the extended subtitle of the book.
This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs.
This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones.
But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.
OS is so happy to see the discussion taking place. Keep it up, ever'body!
New York Times weighs in.
In the week since The Wall Street Journal published an excerpt of the new book by Amy Chua, a Yale law professor, under the headline “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” Ms. Chua has received death threats, she says, and “hundreds, hundreds” of e-mails. The excerpt generated more than 5,000 comments on the newspaper’s Web site, and countless blog entries referring in shorthand to “that Tiger Mother.” Some argued that the parents of all those Asians among Harvard’s chosen few must be doing something right; many called Ms. Chua a “monster” or “nuts” — and a very savvy provocateur.
From academe, Mama PhD wrings her hands a bit, because as a therapist, she gets to deal with the damaged adult children of over-the-top parents. And, she has points to make as well.
At least, and at last, Dr. Chua's book is getting a real debate going about an issue no one wants to talk about--the hard grind that successful parenting truly is, whether one is a Tiger Mom or not.
In fairness, (and since OS's copy has not yet arrived), it is good to note the extended subtitle of the book.
This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs.
This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones.
But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.
OS is so happy to see the discussion taking place. Keep it up, ever'body!
Friday, January 14, 2011
From Al Fin: Amy Chua's Tiger Mother Parenting 2, With Photographs
OS predicted a few posts ago that Dr. Chua would hit a nerve.
He checked back in this morning, to see if his thinking was correct. It was.
This blog, Al Fin, drew a lot of fire, and referred to other places that drew fire as well.
Al Fin's take on it all is worth reading, definitely, as it is more measured and thoughtful than OS's scribblings.
The responses are definitely worth reading. One poster, who claims to know the children, is especially virulent. It is impossible to know, however, if this is true or the work of one more cyber-troll scammer.
OS stands by his original endorsement with qualifications. This approach, in the context of love and a sense of grace, really works! OS has seen it work, again and again. Ms. Chua is much much much more right than most wish to admit.
Absent love and grace, however, this approach can be a form of cruelty, and can damage children and families. See this post as an example.
OS has seen both situations, and only the former approach works. There is no Magic Pixie Dust, no One Size Fits All approach to parenting. But, on the whole, Dr. Chua is correct. Let's not allow the abuse of an approach discredit its proper use.
So, 2 and 3/4 cheers for Dr. Chua! Let the debate continue, ya'll!
He checked back in this morning, to see if his thinking was correct. It was.
This blog, Al Fin, drew a lot of fire, and referred to other places that drew fire as well.
Al Fin's take on it all is worth reading, definitely, as it is more measured and thoughtful than OS's scribblings.
The responses are definitely worth reading. One poster, who claims to know the children, is especially virulent. It is impossible to know, however, if this is true or the work of one more cyber-troll scammer.
OS stands by his original endorsement with qualifications. This approach, in the context of love and a sense of grace, really works! OS has seen it work, again and again. Ms. Chua is much much much more right than most wish to admit.
Absent love and grace, however, this approach can be a form of cruelty, and can damage children and families. See this post as an example.
OS has seen both situations, and only the former approach works. There is no Magic Pixie Dust, no One Size Fits All approach to parenting. But, on the whole, Dr. Chua is correct. Let's not allow the abuse of an approach discredit its proper use.
So, 2 and 3/4 cheers for Dr. Chua! Let the debate continue, ya'll!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Parenting, Chinese Style: Amy Chua
The debate will (and should) be lively as this book hits the shelves.
Mr. and Mrs. OS viewed the morning interview with Prof. Chua, and found ourselves cheering. We're not Chinese, but this is essentially the approach we took with both Juvenile Units, one of each gender. There were some dark days along the way, but we have two happy, successful Juvenile Units to show for all our efforts.
The violin didn't take with either one, the piano took with one, and we allowed some community theatre involvement along the way. But video games were unknown within our walls, and both became expert cooks and knew how to care for their laundry long before they departed for adult life. They knew how to write, how to converse with peers and adults alike, which fork to use, and that success and leadership are things to embrace, not to denigrate.
Chua has much to say, most of which OS can endorse. This paragraph makes him stand up and cheer:
What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.
'If done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle.'
OS spent part of this morning doing a 'post-mortem' with colleagues on the subject of a talented bright student whose family (and now the student himself) has decided to snatch failure from the jaws of success. OS has seen it so often, he has simply become numb: You did your best, we all tried our best. Move on, nothing to spend any further energy on. Next...
On the other hand, OS has on several occasions seen raw cruelty disguised as 'The Chinese Strategy'. He recently heard at second-hand, but on good authority, of a child of Chinese parents, raised in the West, who is disdained by her mother because mother is old-old-school 'Your job is to get some education, get married to a successful Chinese boy, and make babies for The Family'. This kid is excelling at life, as she was pushed to do, only to be beaten up for it later. This is not a virtuous circle, this is tragedy in the making. Absent love, there is no virtuous circle. But absent intent, hard work and discipline, no amount of emotional expression of love will produce success. Both are required.
So, OS hopes you read this, and will give it careful thought. He doesn't give it a blanket endorsement, but there is much here of value.
The OS motto about 'Culture shaping Economy' is seen here in stark relief.
Mr. and Mrs. OS viewed the morning interview with Prof. Chua, and found ourselves cheering. We're not Chinese, but this is essentially the approach we took with both Juvenile Units, one of each gender. There were some dark days along the way, but we have two happy, successful Juvenile Units to show for all our efforts.
The violin didn't take with either one, the piano took with one, and we allowed some community theatre involvement along the way. But video games were unknown within our walls, and both became expert cooks and knew how to care for their laundry long before they departed for adult life. They knew how to write, how to converse with peers and adults alike, which fork to use, and that success and leadership are things to embrace, not to denigrate.
Chua has much to say, most of which OS can endorse. This paragraph makes him stand up and cheer:
What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.
'If done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle.'
OS spent part of this morning doing a 'post-mortem' with colleagues on the subject of a talented bright student whose family (and now the student himself) has decided to snatch failure from the jaws of success. OS has seen it so often, he has simply become numb: You did your best, we all tried our best. Move on, nothing to spend any further energy on. Next...
On the other hand, OS has on several occasions seen raw cruelty disguised as 'The Chinese Strategy'. He recently heard at second-hand, but on good authority, of a child of Chinese parents, raised in the West, who is disdained by her mother because mother is old-old-school 'Your job is to get some education, get married to a successful Chinese boy, and make babies for The Family'. This kid is excelling at life, as she was pushed to do, only to be beaten up for it later. This is not a virtuous circle, this is tragedy in the making. Absent love, there is no virtuous circle. But absent intent, hard work and discipline, no amount of emotional expression of love will produce success. Both are required.
So, OS hopes you read this, and will give it careful thought. He doesn't give it a blanket endorsement, but there is much here of value.
The OS motto about 'Culture shaping Economy' is seen here in stark relief.
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