So, some 1500 'activists' give or take a few wackos decided to descend upon the Tel Aviv airport to express their indignation at Israel's human rights outrages...outRAGEs, we tell you...
Notice how the 'activists' always seem to target democracies and ignore murderers and tyrants?
Well, the Israeli government, no fools they, notice. And they've prepared a 'welcome' for them--an open letter, translated to many languages, and a summary deportation, at the expense of the airlines that flew them in.
"Dear activist," reads the letter that will be translated in a number of different languages. "We appreciate your choosing to make Israel the object of your humanitarian concerns. We know there were many other worthy choices."
For instance, the letter – drawn up in the Prime Minister's Office -- noted, they "could have chosen to protest the Syrian regime's daily savagery against its own people, which has claimed thousands of lives".
Or, they could have chosen to protest "the Iranian regime's brutal crackdown on dissent and support of terrorism throughout the world."
Or, if they just had to come to this part of the globe, they "could have chosen to protest Hamas rule in Gaza, where terror organizations commit a double war crime by firing rockets at civilians and hiding behind civilians."
But instead, the letter read, "you chose to protest against Israel, the Middle East's sole democracy, where women are equal, the press criticizes the government, human rights organizations can operate freely, religious freedom is protected for all and minorities do not live in fear."
Classic Bebe Netanyahu. Makes Lefties insane, because it simply states facts, and points out what childish schmucks they are.
If only the 'activists' would fly themselves into Syria and protest there...wonder what would happen to them?
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Who Sez President Obama Doesn't Plan For The Future?
After, he'll need a hobby to keep him occupied after January 20, 2013...
Sunday, October 9, 2011
God Save The Queen, She's Come To Our Rescue
One of OS's Facebook friends from Blighty passed this gem along. In a world full of glum news, it is a joy to stop and share a belly-laugh with our friends.
Authorship is unknown to OS, but the creator is definitely brilliant, and thanks and apologies precede the republishing of this piece. It's just too funny not to share.
*****
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen... Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Authorship is unknown to OS, but the creator is definitely brilliant, and thanks and apologies precede the republishing of this piece. It's just too funny not to share.
*****
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen... Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Drunken Sailor Protests His Shoddy Treatment
HT Doug Ross:
A brief letter to the editor in Wyoming earlier this year:
I object and take exception to everybody saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor. As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
Bruce L Hargraves,
USN Retired
A brief letter to the editor in Wyoming earlier this year:
I object and take exception to everybody saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor. As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
Bruce L Hargraves,
USN Retired
Friday, May 27, 2011
Words Fail To Describe DSK, Himself And MizzMichelle, But Put Them All Together And Give It A Go
Captions Invited. Keep it clean, if you can.
OS thought of a few, but thought better of publishing them.
HT Jesse.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The New Rules Of Golf, Edited By Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Holder and Geithner
OS ran across this, which undoubtedly has made the rounds of cyberspace a few times.
But, since we all need a grin, OS passes this uncredited bit of humor along to his readers.
President Obama has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in May 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
• below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
• between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
• above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
• handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
• handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
• handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round.
Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the “right thing to do.”
But, since we all need a grin, OS passes this uncredited bit of humor along to his readers.
President Obama has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in May 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
• below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
• between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
• above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
• handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
• handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
• handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round.
Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the “right thing to do.”
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sometimes, Only Laughter Will Do: The HP Printer Execution In Iraq
So, a soldier in Iraq has an HP printer he needs for his unit's work.
But, it doesn't work.
So, he calls HP tech support, who demand money for their assistance.
Here is the soldier's completely appropriate response.
OS hasn't checked to see if the suits at HP have begun to spin this bit of video, or how. Hopefully, though, this wonderful minute of pushback against US corporate idiocy will travel the world, say, a couple of hundred times; and cause someone, somewhere, within the upper reaches of HP managment and its board to feel some sight sense of, well, shame.
We may be able to assist by simply leaving HP printers on the shelf of the local retailer for the next month or so. Easy, peasy, and doesn't involve a moment or penny of sacrifice on our our part. Jest sayin'...
Appeals to reason and decency are now completely futile in great swathes of American culture. Only laughter (and sometimes a machine gun) will do...
Printer problem in Iraq - Watch more Funny Videos
But, it doesn't work.
So, he calls HP tech support, who demand money for their assistance.
Here is the soldier's completely appropriate response.
OS hasn't checked to see if the suits at HP have begun to spin this bit of video, or how. Hopefully, though, this wonderful minute of pushback against US corporate idiocy will travel the world, say, a couple of hundred times; and cause someone, somewhere, within the upper reaches of HP managment and its board to feel some sight sense of, well, shame.
We may be able to assist by simply leaving HP printers on the shelf of the local retailer for the next month or so. Easy, peasy, and doesn't involve a moment or penny of sacrifice on our our part. Jest sayin'...
Appeals to reason and decency are now completely futile in great swathes of American culture. Only laughter (and sometimes a machine gun) will do...
Printer problem in Iraq - Watch more Funny Videos
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sometimes, Only Laughter Will Do: Greg Gutfeld's Gay Bar for Moslems
Sometimes, the only effective response to evil stupidity is laughter.
Greg Gutfeld, instead of railing at the construction of a mosque at Ground Zero in York, has come up with a creative response.
I’m announcing tonight, that I am planning to build and open the first gay bar that caters not only to the west, but also Islamic gay men. To best express my sincere desire for dialogue, the bar will be situated next to the mosque Park51, in an available commercial space.
Of course, the proposed names have come pouring in. A sampling of the choice ones includes:
30. Honor Drillings
29. Jihard
28. Filthy Omar’s Rusty Trombone
27. The Arabian Queen
26. Dune Biters
25. Goat's Night Off
24. The Pink Prophet
23. The Leather Burqa
22. Git Mo
21. Pig in a Poke
20. Sheiks & Freaks
19. Sodom and Gonorrhea
18. Osama Bin Dover
17. The Exploding Goat
16. Weapons of Ass Destruction
15. Alla Assbar
14. Anderson Cooper's Apartment
13. The Sticky Prophet
12. The Sphinxter
11. Grind Zero
10. Nuclear Fuel Rods
9. Hassan's TestostoRoom
8. Turbuns
7. Bunker Busters
6. The Tali-bone
5. Al-Jizzera
4. The Gaza Stripper
3. The Sandy Gerbil
2. The Camel’s Hump
1. Hide the Minaret
Numbers 14, 11, 8, 4 and 1 especially draw a giggle.
Greg Gutfeld, instead of railing at the construction of a mosque at Ground Zero in York, has come up with a creative response.
I’m announcing tonight, that I am planning to build and open the first gay bar that caters not only to the west, but also Islamic gay men. To best express my sincere desire for dialogue, the bar will be situated next to the mosque Park51, in an available commercial space.
Of course, the proposed names have come pouring in. A sampling of the choice ones includes:
30. Honor Drillings
29. Jihard
28. Filthy Omar’s Rusty Trombone
27. The Arabian Queen
26. Dune Biters
25. Goat's Night Off
24. The Pink Prophet
23. The Leather Burqa
22. Git Mo
21. Pig in a Poke
20. Sheiks & Freaks
19. Sodom and Gonorrhea
18. Osama Bin Dover
17. The Exploding Goat
16. Weapons of Ass Destruction
15. Alla Assbar
14. Anderson Cooper's Apartment
13. The Sticky Prophet
12. The Sphinxter
11. Grind Zero
10. Nuclear Fuel Rods
9. Hassan's TestostoRoom
8. Turbuns
7. Bunker Busters
6. The Tali-bone
5. Al-Jizzera
4. The Gaza Stripper
3. The Sandy Gerbil
2. The Camel’s Hump
1. Hide the Minaret
Numbers 14, 11, 8, 4 and 1 especially draw a giggle.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
This Keeps Making The Rounds: Worth A Second Mention
Sometime back, OldSouth tripped across this wonderful comedy routine first created for Australian TV.
Obviously, he wasn't alone, and the routine continues to make the rounds.
It's worth a repeat performance:
KERRY O'BRIEN, PRESENTER: Time for John Clarke and Bryan Dawe with a few reflections on Europe's financial woes.
BRYAN DAWE: Your name is Roger yes?
JOHN CLARKE: Roger.
BRYAN DAWE: Ah, that's your name?
JOHN CLARKE: Roger.
BRYAN DAWE: Good. And what do you do Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: I'm a financial consultant.
BRYAN DAWE: Ah, financial consultant, eh?
JOHN CLARKE: Roger, yes.
BRYAN DAWE: Terrific and Roger how is business at the moment?
JOHN CLARKE: Not bad thank you. Been a bit quiet lately.
BRYAN DAWE: How do you mean lately?
JOHN CLARKE: Since the war. Been a bit quiet.
BRYAN DAWE: Fair enough. Okay, Roger your special subject tonight is the economies of the European community. Your time starts now. Best of luck.
JOHN CLARKE: Thank you.
BRYAN DAWE: How much does Greece owe, Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: $367 billion.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. And who do they owe it to?
JOHN CLARKE: Mostly to the other European economies.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. How much does Ireland owe?
JOHN CLARKE: $865 billion.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Who do they owe it to?
JOHN CLARKE: Other European economies mostly.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. How much does Spain and Italy owe?
JOHN CLARKE: $1 trillion each.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Who to?
JOHN CLARKE: Mainly France, Britain and Germany.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. And how are Germany, France, Britain going Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: Well they're struggling a bit, aren't they?
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Why?
JOHN CLARKE: Well ‘cause they've lent all the vast amounts of money to other European economies that can't possibly pay them back.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct so what are they go to go have to do?
JOHN CLARKE: They're going to have to bail them out.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Where are they getting the money to do that Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: That is a good question. I don't know the answer to that one. (laughs)
BRYAN DAWE: How much does Portugal owe?
JOHN CLARKE: Hang on a minute, what was the answer to that earlier question?
BRYAN DAWE: Just keep answering the questions Roger.
Where is Portugal going to get the money it owes to Germany if Germany can't get back the money that it lent to Italy?
JOHN CLARKE: Just a minute. What was the answer to the previous que-
The question was: How can broke economies lend money to other broke economies who haven't got any money because they can't pay back the money the broke economy lent to the other broke economy and shouldn't have lent it to them in the first place because the broke economy can't pay back?
BRYAN DAWE: You are wasting valuable time Roger. How much money does Spain owe to Italy?
JOHN CLARKE: $41 billion. But where are they going to get it?
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What does Italy owe to Spain?
JOHN CLARKE: $27 billion but they haven't got it - they're broke.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. How can they pay each other if neither of them has any money?
JOHN CLARKE: They're going to get a bailout, aren't they?
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. And where is the money coming from for the bailout?
JOHN CLARKE: That is what I'm asking you!
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Why are people selling the European currency and buying the US dollar?
JOHN CLARKE: Because the US economy is so much stronger than the European economy.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Why is that Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: Because it's owned by China.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct and very well done! And after that round you've lost $1 million.
JOHN CLARKE: I've lost $1 million? I thought you said well done!
BRYAN DAWE: Yes well done - you've only lost $1 million. That's an extraordinary performance Roger.
JOHN CLARKE: I've only lost $1 million.
BRYAN DAWE: Very well done.
JOHN CLARKE: That's quite good is it?
BRYAN DAWE: Oh it's excellent.
JOHN CLARKE: Sell everything immediately. Quickly!
KERRY O'BRIEN: I think it's called laughing as you sink.
Obviously, he wasn't alone, and the routine continues to make the rounds.
It's worth a repeat performance:
KERRY O'BRIEN, PRESENTER: Time for John Clarke and Bryan Dawe with a few reflections on Europe's financial woes.
BRYAN DAWE: Your name is Roger yes?
JOHN CLARKE: Roger.
BRYAN DAWE: Ah, that's your name?
JOHN CLARKE: Roger.
BRYAN DAWE: Good. And what do you do Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: I'm a financial consultant.
BRYAN DAWE: Ah, financial consultant, eh?
JOHN CLARKE: Roger, yes.
BRYAN DAWE: Terrific and Roger how is business at the moment?
JOHN CLARKE: Not bad thank you. Been a bit quiet lately.
BRYAN DAWE: How do you mean lately?
JOHN CLARKE: Since the war. Been a bit quiet.
BRYAN DAWE: Fair enough. Okay, Roger your special subject tonight is the economies of the European community. Your time starts now. Best of luck.
JOHN CLARKE: Thank you.
BRYAN DAWE: How much does Greece owe, Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: $367 billion.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. And who do they owe it to?
JOHN CLARKE: Mostly to the other European economies.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. How much does Ireland owe?
JOHN CLARKE: $865 billion.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Who do they owe it to?
JOHN CLARKE: Other European economies mostly.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. How much does Spain and Italy owe?
JOHN CLARKE: $1 trillion each.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Who to?
JOHN CLARKE: Mainly France, Britain and Germany.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. And how are Germany, France, Britain going Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: Well they're struggling a bit, aren't they?
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Why?
JOHN CLARKE: Well ‘cause they've lent all the vast amounts of money to other European economies that can't possibly pay them back.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct so what are they go to go have to do?
JOHN CLARKE: They're going to have to bail them out.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Where are they getting the money to do that Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: That is a good question. I don't know the answer to that one. (laughs)
BRYAN DAWE: How much does Portugal owe?
JOHN CLARKE: Hang on a minute, what was the answer to that earlier question?
BRYAN DAWE: Just keep answering the questions Roger.
Where is Portugal going to get the money it owes to Germany if Germany can't get back the money that it lent to Italy?
JOHN CLARKE: Just a minute. What was the answer to the previous que-
The question was: How can broke economies lend money to other broke economies who haven't got any money because they can't pay back the money the broke economy lent to the other broke economy and shouldn't have lent it to them in the first place because the broke economy can't pay back?
BRYAN DAWE: You are wasting valuable time Roger. How much money does Spain owe to Italy?
JOHN CLARKE: $41 billion. But where are they going to get it?
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What does Italy owe to Spain?
JOHN CLARKE: $27 billion but they haven't got it - they're broke.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. How can they pay each other if neither of them has any money?
JOHN CLARKE: They're going to get a bailout, aren't they?
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. And where is the money coming from for the bailout?
JOHN CLARKE: That is what I'm asking you!
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Why are people selling the European currency and buying the US dollar?
JOHN CLARKE: Because the US economy is so much stronger than the European economy.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Why is that Roger?
JOHN CLARKE: Because it's owned by China.
BRYAN DAWE: Correct and very well done! And after that round you've lost $1 million.
JOHN CLARKE: I've lost $1 million? I thought you said well done!
BRYAN DAWE: Yes well done - you've only lost $1 million. That's an extraordinary performance Roger.
JOHN CLARKE: I've only lost $1 million.
BRYAN DAWE: Very well done.
JOHN CLARKE: That's quite good is it?
BRYAN DAWE: Oh it's excellent.
JOHN CLARKE: Sell everything immediately. Quickly!
KERRY O'BRIEN: I think it's called laughing as you sink.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Grins From Down Under
The human condition seems pretty universally funny, so for your consideration, the cartoons of Alan Moir of the Sydney Morning Herald.
The offering from Jan 21 especially telling!
Enjoy
The offering from Jan 21 especially telling!
Enjoy
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Bit Of (Black) Humor From Our Friends In The UK
From Rantin'Rab:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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