Mubarak And Barack O'Reagan Obama Prepare For The GulfStreamMoment

Robert Gibbs, after another testy press briefing, in which he imparts no real information: Uh, Mr. President, The Press, who helped elect you 'cuz you kept preaching about 'transparency', they're, well-uh...pretty pissed that you won't talk to them yourself. You still need them, sir, if you want to keep this gig for another four years. Remember, I'm outta here soon, and can't fend them off for you.

Barry, impatiently: Screw 'em. I'm all they've got. Remember, I'm channeling Reagan now, Time Magazine sez so, 'cuz that's what we told them to say. That was a great shot with the football, wasn't it? Staged to mirror image The Gipper and everything. Damn, I'm good!

Gibbs: Mr. President, the embassy's on the phone from Cairo. They've worn out all the paper shredders, and those incinerators they ordered never arrived. Is it ok to let the local contractor haul all those cables and docs away? They promise to burn them, honest. It's a reputable firm the State Department has used a lot lately, Assange and Associates. Besides the crowd's growing out there, and they're really pissed. The ambassador wants to know where the helicopters are, and can the Marines load their weapons, please. Things went really sour in Tehran when they weren't allowed to shoot back, Mr. President. That's how Carter lost his reelection to Reagan. That and the general ineptitude...

Barry: No, the Marines can't load their weapons, 'cuz they might hurt somebody if they defend the embassy, and how would that make me look? Borrow some shredders from the Brits and the French, and rent a herd of goats to eat the papers. Do I have to think of everything? Tell the ambassador to cool his jets, that Hilary lent the choppers to Bill for one of his weekend socials with Berlusconi, and once they get them cleaned out and the pilots sobered up, they'll be around to fetch him. What's the hurry? Our boy Hosni's in firm control of the situation. Man, didjou see them camels charging the crowd? That'll make the highlight reels fer sure. Our homeboyz even gotta sense of humor! We gotta remember that one for the next time Glenn Beck and his teabaggers show up. Damn!

Gibbs: Uh, Mr. President, Hosni's on the phone. He sez he needs three GulfStreams now: One for him and the fam, one for the harem, and one for the gold reserves and antiquities he's had his boyz loot from the banks and museums during the camel attack. Sez he'll turn truckloads of really interesting docs over to that Assange guy if you don't get him what he wants.

Barry: Call Hilary, tell her to work it out. Hell, call Jimmy Carter! He put Hosni in power--it's his fault, and he keeps bugging me, wanting a 'do-over'.

I'm the next Reagan, and he never got his hands dirty on little stuff! Hell, after Jimmy Carter, all he needed to do was exchange oxygen to look like a hero. Breathe in, breathe out, tilt your head, smile and say 'Well...?'--how come he gets all the love?

Gibbs: Mr. President, HomeboyHosni has another question. Where's his plane gonna land, and Tel-Aviv is not an option. The French don't want him. You can't pay off anybody in the Emirates, they're all rich. Jordan, Yemen, Syria and Tunisia got their own sets of problems, and Riyadh's getting crowded--they've already taken their quota of disgraced Muslim dictators, they said.

Barry: Call Scotland. They like Arab mass-murderers. Yes, it's cold, but they're broke. Hell, call Iceland! They're even broker and colder. That's what a harem is for. He can even learn to like haggis and haddock. Beats being lynched in public. Tell him to stop whining. Anything else, Gibbs?

Gibbs: No, nothing comes to mind. You've got it all under control. The world sure is lucky to have you at the helm, Mr. President.

Barry: Well...?