Letterman's Top Ten is an American institution. Every night, this respectable-looking Midwesterner in a natty suit reads an outrageous list, usually composed of the thoughts we dare not express.
(Drum roll in background...)
10. "My horoscope says big surprises are in store."
9. "See, this is why I normally don't answer the door."
8. "The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo ..."
7. "What on Earth could be interrupting Celebrity Apprentice?"
6. "I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise."
5. "At least I'll be reunited with my dear, departed friend Jack LaLanne."
4. "I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Fast Five is the #1 movie."
3. "Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?"
2. "I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head."
1. "Oh, crap!"
As usual, the writers wait until #2 to unload the true zinger of the evening...
Showing posts with label David Letterman Top Ten. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David Letterman Top Ten. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent: David Letterman
As promised, David Letterman's Top 10 list from November 22, 2010.
Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming A TSA Agent
10."Do I need a degree in groping?"
9."Am I only doing this for the sweet-ass TSA uniform?"
8."If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
7."Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
6."If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" Dammit that was number 8. Who checks these things anyway?"
5."Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
4."In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
3."Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
2."May I frisk myself?"
1."What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"
OS has put BigSis and TSA Head John Pistole on a personal countdown list, e.g., How many more days of utter idiocy, bullying of passengers, strip-searches of little boys and little old ladies, hour-long lines, unsold airline seats, flight delays (that will begin to affect air travel around the world) and daily humiliations at the hands of Letterman and his writers, before they are finally sacked.
They may make it through Christmas, maybe past January 1, but they won't survive the seating of the new Congress, when a Republican majority takes over the committees begins asking the hard questions, and issuing the subpeonas. By that time, the lawsuits will be stacking up on the doorstep of BigSis's office.
If they plan ahead, they can start now, shredding the papers and wiping the hard drives that document just how venal and inept they are. Circulate the resume for the next job, arrange to sell what they carry around in their heads to the Syrians, get a few talking head gigs on MSNBC scheduled, and generally prepare to get out of Dodge with some cash to keep them warm.
If Thanksgiving weekend goes pear-shaped, they'll be gone next week, with no time to cover their trail and arrange a pile of cash upon which to land. If planes start flying empty because passengers simply stay home, they'll be gone by Christmas, definitely. If the strip-searches of little children continue to be captured on video and posted, or scanner images of public people start showing up on the newsfeeds, they're gone the next day. In any case, 18 January will find them gone.
The non-stop spin at every media outlet betrays their level of anxiety.
About themselves.
Jest sayin', ya'll.....
Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming A TSA Agent
10."Do I need a degree in groping?"
9."Am I only doing this for the sweet-ass TSA uniform?"
8."If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
7."Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
6."If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" Dammit that was number 8. Who checks these things anyway?"
5."Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
4."In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
3."Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
2."May I frisk myself?"
1."What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"
OS has put BigSis and TSA Head John Pistole on a personal countdown list, e.g., How many more days of utter idiocy, bullying of passengers, strip-searches of little boys and little old ladies, hour-long lines, unsold airline seats, flight delays (that will begin to affect air travel around the world) and daily humiliations at the hands of Letterman and his writers, before they are finally sacked.
They may make it through Christmas, maybe past January 1, but they won't survive the seating of the new Congress, when a Republican majority takes over the committees begins asking the hard questions, and issuing the subpeonas. By that time, the lawsuits will be stacking up on the doorstep of BigSis's office.
If they plan ahead, they can start now, shredding the papers and wiping the hard drives that document just how venal and inept they are. Circulate the resume for the next job, arrange to sell what they carry around in their heads to the Syrians, get a few talking head gigs on MSNBC scheduled, and generally prepare to get out of Dodge with some cash to keep them warm.
If Thanksgiving weekend goes pear-shaped, they'll be gone next week, with no time to cover their trail and arrange a pile of cash upon which to land. If planes start flying empty because passengers simply stay home, they'll be gone by Christmas, definitely. If the strip-searches of little children continue to be captured on video and posted, or scanner images of public people start showing up on the newsfeeds, they're gone the next day. In any case, 18 January will find them gone.
The non-stop spin at every media outlet betrays their level of anxiety.
About themselves.
Jest sayin', ya'll.....
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