HT John Lott.
In the 'I-Just-Can't-Make-This-Stuff-Up' Hall of Fame, OldSouth proudly presents this offering from a gent who has spent the first part of his career creating academic work for student clients, who turn his work in under their own names. Kid's who can't write, research, or think in a linear fashion to save their lives, mysteriously generate the kind of academic work that allows them to graduate from prestigious institutions.
Does no one notice? Or do many just look the other way?
He is understandably cynical, and wicked funny.
It was difficult to cherry-pick the best paragraphs, because the writing is just so good!
So, here's a sample:
I have become a master of the admissions essay. I have written these for undergraduate, master's, and doctoral programs, some at elite universities. I can explain exactly why you're Brown material, why the Wharton M.B.A. program would benefit from your presence, how certain life experiences have prepared you for the rigors of your chosen course of study. I do not mean to be insensitive, but I can't tell you how many times I've been paid to write about somebody helping a loved one battle cancer. I've written essays that could be adapted into Meryl Streep movies.
I do a lot of work for seminary students. I like seminary students. They seem so blissfully unaware of the inherent contradiction in paying somebody to help them cheat in courses that are largely about walking in the light of God and providing an ethical model for others to follow. I have been commissioned to write many a passionate condemnation of America's moral decay as exemplified by abortion, gay marriage, or the teaching of evolution. All in all, we may presume that clerical authorities see these as a greater threat than the plagiarism committed by the future frocked.
With respect to America's nurses, fear not. Our lives are in capable hands—just hands that can't write a lick. Nursing students account for one of my company's biggest customer bases. I've written case-management plans, reports on nursing ethics, and essays on why nurse practitioners are lighting the way to the future of medicine. I've even written pharmaceutical-treatment courses, for patients who I hope were hypothetical.
This would be funnier, were it fictional. It isn't. It appears this man exists, and his work is circulating in academia. The scary part to OS is that those JD's become judges, and those MD's treat patients. OS knows of one physician now practicing, who as a coed at a top-twenty school managed to make it through on 'the horizontal plan', trading her favors for passing work product. OS suspects the dean may have been involved in some 'transactional academia' for all four years as well. It would be more humorous, were there not the lives of patients involved.
OS suspects this author is beginning to go public, with his literary agent at his side, with a view to a movie script deal. This is the stuff of movies, after all. Too fantastical not to be true. Lights-camera-action, ya'll.
This essay does begin to answer why OS keeps running into people with advanced degrees from reputable schools who can't seem to put two coherent clauses of English together.
There is a partial solution, called pen-and-paper. Student sits in a room, under the eye of the exam monitor, is handed a paper with relevant questions, and in the course of two hours, must create cogent responses from the content of his mind. The professor grades them, and compares usage of English between papers submitted and live essay completed.
Enough. OS has a deadline. Writing. Under his own name.
Showing posts with label academia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label academia. Show all posts
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
How Stuff Works: Truly Cool, Simple Animations For The Laity
OldSouth has a buddy from academia whom he admires, and whose intellectual shoes he cannot tie.
A link from said buddy led to this, an elegant series of animated gifs that simply illustrate the ingenuities of the constant velocity joint, rotary engine, and much more.
As the Psalmist David noted: We are fearfully and wonderfully made. At our best, we create things like constant velocity joints, laser scalpels, the sonata-allegro and fugue forms, the pipe organ, the sonnet, golf, baseball, perspective in painting, the list goes on and on.
OS hopes you enjoy this bit of inspiration. We, who so often create chaos, are capable of such inspired greatness.
A link from said buddy led to this, an elegant series of animated gifs that simply illustrate the ingenuities of the constant velocity joint, rotary engine, and much more.
As the Psalmist David noted: We are fearfully and wonderfully made. At our best, we create things like constant velocity joints, laser scalpels, the sonata-allegro and fugue forms, the pipe organ, the sonnet, golf, baseball, perspective in painting, the list goes on and on.
OS hopes you enjoy this bit of inspiration. We, who so often create chaos, are capable of such inspired greatness.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
'Scuse Me While I Whine, Ever So Briefly
He really does attempt to avoid it, but some days...
This morning, he was on the receiving end (not completely unexpected) of a diatribe from an academic colleague, whom he's known for some forty years now. OS had to deliver some mildly unpleasant news yesterday. It was very mild stuff, but OS had to do his job and be the bearer of less-wonderful-tidings.
No one had lost a job, a house, a spouse, a child, received a diagnosis of cancer, suffered a stroke or heart attack. None of the above, not even close to that sort of level of severity. The reaction was, shall we say, disproportionate.
Then he got to talk with a caterer who told him they could pack soft drinks into box lunches with no problem, but to make up a crock of lemonade would be prohibitively expensive, as in, eight dollars per pitcher expensive. OS responded, 'This really beggars belief; this is why your hotel has a chef. Crush lemons, add sugar, add water, stir, adjust, add ice, serve. Just like iced tea, no?'
No, sir, we can't do that.
OS passionately believes that profits are good, but rape is bad.
His beloved United States seems to be in the grip of a few of pernicious attitudes.
1. We deserve to be successful, to be told that we are successful, and feel good about it--all the time, whether we actually did the work to accomplish that success. Failure is not an option, so we just won't allow anyone to tell us about it. (Think university grade inflation. Parents of twenty-one year old students raise Cain if their special child earns and is awarded a 'C'.)
2. We get to decide what is and aren't academic standards of expectation, from here in our corner of the world. 'Cuz it's us that sez so. If Professor Doolittle at Bugtussle State College has been teaching the same syllabus since 1987, then (ByGod!) that is the heart of the body of knowledge, and don't-chew-dare tell me otherwise. (Like I said, the reaction was disproportionate...)
3. We deserve to sell you a pitcher of lemonade for eight dollars, or (as in the hotel in Indy earlier this month) a shot of Jack for nine. 'Cuz it's us selling it to you. We be makin' money, honey, and it's your job to fork over. OS saw a story on Fox Business earlier today that convention venues in Chicago were charging exhibitors $1200 to connect electricity and internet access to their booths, and then marvelled that the trade shows decided to take their business elsewhere. That bar was deserted, by the way. Wonder why?
It's as if we have arrived at the firm belief that we can create our own reality, that the laws of gravity, math, ethics and mortality are mutable.
By us. 'Cuz it's, well, us!
There is a weird Christian heresy that floats through the culture here, called 'Name It And Claim It'. It posits, that because you are an adherent to this brand of the faith, God loves you better than that poor schlub Baptist down the street. God wants you to have all the goodies, all the time. (HAL-le-looooh-YAH!) Just decide what you want (Name It), pray real hard and donate generously via our TV ministry, and God will give it to (Claim It). 'Cuz it's you, and He really really really loves you better. It's you He's thinking of, 24/7/365 into eternity.
It sounds ridiculous, but it is sooooo beguiling. You don't even have to be an adherent of an heretical cult to fall for it. It's like it's in the water here. Think about what that sort of societal attitude might do to a culture, and its economy, over the long pull.
Wait a minute, it already has...
OS will stop whining now. But he just wants to say for the record that he is on the receiving end of unimaginably wonderful things in this world, including the ability and will to work like a Trojan for sixteen hours a day. And he doesn't deserve a bit of it. He still wakes up to the fabulous Mrs. OS every morning, shocked that she tolerates him, much less loves him like she does.
Whine ended, thanks for your indulgence.
This morning, he was on the receiving end (not completely unexpected) of a diatribe from an academic colleague, whom he's known for some forty years now. OS had to deliver some mildly unpleasant news yesterday. It was very mild stuff, but OS had to do his job and be the bearer of less-wonderful-tidings.
No one had lost a job, a house, a spouse, a child, received a diagnosis of cancer, suffered a stroke or heart attack. None of the above, not even close to that sort of level of severity. The reaction was, shall we say, disproportionate.
Then he got to talk with a caterer who told him they could pack soft drinks into box lunches with no problem, but to make up a crock of lemonade would be prohibitively expensive, as in, eight dollars per pitcher expensive. OS responded, 'This really beggars belief; this is why your hotel has a chef. Crush lemons, add sugar, add water, stir, adjust, add ice, serve. Just like iced tea, no?'
No, sir, we can't do that.
OS passionately believes that profits are good, but rape is bad.
His beloved United States seems to be in the grip of a few of pernicious attitudes.
1. We deserve to be successful, to be told that we are successful, and feel good about it--all the time, whether we actually did the work to accomplish that success. Failure is not an option, so we just won't allow anyone to tell us about it. (Think university grade inflation. Parents of twenty-one year old students raise Cain if their special child earns and is awarded a 'C'.)
2. We get to decide what is and aren't academic standards of expectation, from here in our corner of the world. 'Cuz it's us that sez so. If Professor Doolittle at Bugtussle State College has been teaching the same syllabus since 1987, then (ByGod!) that is the heart of the body of knowledge, and don't-chew-dare tell me otherwise. (Like I said, the reaction was disproportionate...)
3. We deserve to sell you a pitcher of lemonade for eight dollars, or (as in the hotel in Indy earlier this month) a shot of Jack for nine. 'Cuz it's us selling it to you. We be makin' money, honey, and it's your job to fork over. OS saw a story on Fox Business earlier today that convention venues in Chicago were charging exhibitors $1200 to connect electricity and internet access to their booths, and then marvelled that the trade shows decided to take their business elsewhere. That bar was deserted, by the way. Wonder why?
It's as if we have arrived at the firm belief that we can create our own reality, that the laws of gravity, math, ethics and mortality are mutable.
By us. 'Cuz it's, well, us!
There is a weird Christian heresy that floats through the culture here, called 'Name It And Claim It'. It posits, that because you are an adherent to this brand of the faith, God loves you better than that poor schlub Baptist down the street. God wants you to have all the goodies, all the time. (HAL-le-looooh-YAH!) Just decide what you want (Name It), pray real hard and donate generously via our TV ministry, and God will give it to (Claim It). 'Cuz it's you, and He really really really loves you better. It's you He's thinking of, 24/7/365 into eternity.
It sounds ridiculous, but it is sooooo beguiling. You don't even have to be an adherent of an heretical cult to fall for it. It's like it's in the water here. Think about what that sort of societal attitude might do to a culture, and its economy, over the long pull.
Wait a minute, it already has...
OS will stop whining now. But he just wants to say for the record that he is on the receiving end of unimaginably wonderful things in this world, including the ability and will to work like a Trojan for sixteen hours a day. And he doesn't deserve a bit of it. He still wakes up to the fabulous Mrs. OS every morning, shocked that she tolerates him, much less loves him like she does.
Whine ended, thanks for your indulgence.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A Tenure Brush War At (Fill-In-The-Blank) University
Here's the story.
This one is occurring at Ohio University.
Especially given the bizarre tragedy in Hunstville, administration at the school is, shall we say...on edge.
Not one hint that the faculty member in question has any capacity for violence, but campus police were called to one of the meetings anyway. The faculty member wasn't even on campus that day.
In a way, the specifics of this story don't matter. My friends in academia report that tenure is a running brush war within institutions, pitting otherwise (ostensibly) civilized people constantly against one another.
In the meantime, back at Reality Ranch:
This brush war is brought to you by taxpayers, students, alumni, and donors; all of whom, in one way or another, pony up a lot of money to Ohio University.
Mom, Dad: Would you knowingly send your child into academic harm's way, knowing about these behaviors at a potential school? That the faculty and administration of the entire school spend their days wrangling over this stuff?
Student: Do you want to invest years of your life, and incur student debt, in order to study with these people?
Alumni: Does this make you want to bump up your donation from last year?
Taxpayer: Does this make you want to call your local legislator and raise Cain?
On a personal note, OldSouth had the pleasure of spending a week on that campus a few years back. It's tucked away in the hills of eastern Ohio, and the town and university sort of 'meld' into one another.
It was lovely.
OS would not have been upset to see one of his kids choose Ohio University.
Now, not a chance of the proverbial snowball in a hot location.
Hello out there, academia-people. You live in the same world we do.
OS will stop ranting now, and return to his non-tenured business, so he can pay his taxes to support the state universities that spend their energies....
This one is occurring at Ohio University.
Especially given the bizarre tragedy in Hunstville, administration at the school is, shall we say...on edge.
Not one hint that the faculty member in question has any capacity for violence, but campus police were called to one of the meetings anyway. The faculty member wasn't even on campus that day.
In a way, the specifics of this story don't matter. My friends in academia report that tenure is a running brush war within institutions, pitting otherwise (ostensibly) civilized people constantly against one another.
In the meantime, back at Reality Ranch:
This brush war is brought to you by taxpayers, students, alumni, and donors; all of whom, in one way or another, pony up a lot of money to Ohio University.
Mom, Dad: Would you knowingly send your child into academic harm's way, knowing about these behaviors at a potential school? That the faculty and administration of the entire school spend their days wrangling over this stuff?
Student: Do you want to invest years of your life, and incur student debt, in order to study with these people?
Alumni: Does this make you want to bump up your donation from last year?
Taxpayer: Does this make you want to call your local legislator and raise Cain?
On a personal note, OldSouth had the pleasure of spending a week on that campus a few years back. It's tucked away in the hills of eastern Ohio, and the town and university sort of 'meld' into one another.
It was lovely.
OS would not have been upset to see one of his kids choose Ohio University.
Now, not a chance of the proverbial snowball in a hot location.
Hello out there, academia-people. You live in the same world we do.
OS will stop ranting now, and return to his non-tenured business, so he can pay his taxes to support the state universities that spend their energies....
Friday, February 12, 2010
Don't Drink The Academic Kool-Aid
The academic job market, especially in liberal arts, has experienced the downward 'hockey-stick' phenomenon.
Too many scholars, sporting PhD's, or at the fabled 'ABD' point, are chasing too few jobs. It's simply the terrible math at work right now. One of OS's acquaintances has been caught in the squeeze, losing a very good job in spite of doing an admirable job in that particular university department. Glowing peer reviews, and the job is gone, 'cuz the money's gone.
Endowments are essential for universities, but (a.) they must be able to preserve capital base, and (b.) actually earn a return, so cash can be made available to the institution. When ZB decided to peg interest rates at ZERO, in order to float the housing market, and give his friends on Wall Street free money to play with, he wasn't thinking of what might happen to the other parts of the culture. Like he cares...(har-rumph!)
But, that being said, things are as they are, and a lot of academics will have to formulate a Plan B.
This author reminds us that that's really not so bad, and perhaps, the academic life is not that prestigious and lovely, after all.
There is life off campus. Lots of it. And lots of people in need of what lies between the ears of the educated people. The business challenge is how to connect one set of people with the other, and make it pay off for all concerned; without the ***!!!*** guv'mint inserting its silly self into the process. They've done quite enough already, thanks.
This is America. There has to be a way; or rather, a bunch of ways to skin this particular feline.
OS recently took a tour of the neighborhoods near his alma mater, a large public urban research university. He was shocked by the experience. Four blocks away, and light years of cultural separation between the institution and its surroundings. It felt like being on a different planet.
Now, the university has unveiled plans to solve the problem, by condemning and razing the neighborhoods, and building more university facilities in their place. Spending taxpayer money, or money raised with taxpayer guarantees, of course.
Hmmm...that should solve the problem.
Maybe it's a good time to be moving off campus, after all.
Too many scholars, sporting PhD's, or at the fabled 'ABD' point, are chasing too few jobs. It's simply the terrible math at work right now. One of OS's acquaintances has been caught in the squeeze, losing a very good job in spite of doing an admirable job in that particular university department. Glowing peer reviews, and the job is gone, 'cuz the money's gone.
Endowments are essential for universities, but (a.) they must be able to preserve capital base, and (b.) actually earn a return, so cash can be made available to the institution. When ZB decided to peg interest rates at ZERO, in order to float the housing market, and give his friends on Wall Street free money to play with, he wasn't thinking of what might happen to the other parts of the culture. Like he cares...(har-rumph!)
But, that being said, things are as they are, and a lot of academics will have to formulate a Plan B.
This author reminds us that that's really not so bad, and perhaps, the academic life is not that prestigious and lovely, after all.
There is life off campus. Lots of it. And lots of people in need of what lies between the ears of the educated people. The business challenge is how to connect one set of people with the other, and make it pay off for all concerned; without the ***!!!*** guv'mint inserting its silly self into the process. They've done quite enough already, thanks.
This is America. There has to be a way; or rather, a bunch of ways to skin this particular feline.
OS recently took a tour of the neighborhoods near his alma mater, a large public urban research university. He was shocked by the experience. Four blocks away, and light years of cultural separation between the institution and its surroundings. It felt like being on a different planet.
Now, the university has unveiled plans to solve the problem, by condemning and razing the neighborhoods, and building more university facilities in their place. Spending taxpayer money, or money raised with taxpayer guarantees, of course.
Hmmm...that should solve the problem.
Maybe it's a good time to be moving off campus, after all.
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