You Can 'Call Me Al': AlGore And His Massage Therapist

From ABC News--honest folks, ya jes' can't make this stuff up!

The dormant investigation into AlGore, winner of both The Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar, into the allegations of sexual assault upon a massage therapist in 2006, is rousing its sleepy self back to life, complete with preserved clothes and DNA samples, etc., etc., etc....

According to a 73-page "Confidential Special Report" made public by authorities on June 23, the "licensed massage therapist" stated she was summoned to a suite at the upscale Lucia Hotel at the request of a guest, where "during the course of this massage session Al Gore did sexually assault me in his room."

In a detailed statement given to police more than two years after the alleged incident the woman described her surprise at arriving for the VIP massage appointment to find Al Gore drinking beer and opening his arms in a hug saying "Call Me Al."

Ya'll gotta understand something about Tennessee, the state that birthed The Inventor Of The Internet: At about every third interstate exit, next to the truck stop, ya' gotcha one of them 'massage parlors', sporting names like 'Tokyo Massage'. In other words, massage of a sort is offered, but the possibility of something somewhat, shall we say, more exotic is promised as well. The line between the theraputic trade of someone who actually offers relief from muscle spasms in the arms and shoulders and The World's Oldest Profession is somewhat blurred in the mind of your average Tennessee male. It's in the water 'round heah.

So, what's a lonely former Vice-President to do, all alone in his hotel room, far away from the sensual delights of his Tipper? He's already invented the internet, won the Nobel Prize, won the Oscar, and made himself a kajillion bucks saving the world from itself.

What would Bill do at a moment like this? Or his buddy John E from NarthCarulinah?

Well, shoot-fahr! Let's order up some Buds and get ourselves one of them 'massages', jes' lahk back home! Always cheered Bill up, 'specially after a few days of trying to keep Hillary off the warpath.

Now, the visual image of a bloated, drunk and horny AlGore is almost too awful to contemplate, but since the alleged victim put it into play, and it's in the police report, well...(eeewwww!)...

Well, anyway, in honor of The Producer Of An Inconvenient Truth, The Winner Of Both The Nobel Prize And An Oscar, and the man who came within a few hundred hanging chads of become President of the United States, Paul Simon offers his delightful song: You Can Call Me Al. It's almost like Mr. Simon was time-travelling ahead some twenty-five years as he penned the lyrics...